The Agony of December 7th

Anniversary- the date on which an event took place in a previous year.

Anniversaries are most commonly associated with times of immense joy and memories one would like to remember; so much so that they’re celebrated for various reasons every year. When I hear the word…anniversary, my mind automatically runs a cinematic film of happiness and joy. I think of faces smiling, planning parties months in advance or even a gift all in the name of that precious date that comes once a year.

There are two sides to every coin.

Equally as common but perhaps less discussed are the anniversaries of events that have left us scarred and broken. The ones that we would much rather forget, and do away with altogether, rather than have a yearly reminder. I neither celebrate nor anxiously await these “times” instead, for 364 days I wish for them not to come. I wish that these moments never happened and there didn’t need to be a moment in time that makes me relive the worst days of my life. December 7th, 2009 and four years later on December 7th, 2013. I think there needs to be a different word. I shouldn’t have to say, “December 7th is the anniversary of both my parents’ deaths”. Anniversary, it’s misleading.

As if living with regret and guilt everyday isn’t enough, one day is highlighted, every year, to remind me of what isn’t and what unfortunately is. One day highlights what I no longer have and a very different movie plays in my head. This movie shows pain, tears, and sorrow… lies and lessons learned. I often wonder what wrongs I committed in another life to deserve the fate of losing both parents so young and ironically on the same date. Lifes malevolent nature towards us makes depression almost inevitable and substances sometimes necessary to make it through the day. I don’t want condolences from people that have understandably moved on, and I definitely don’t want to decorate graves. What I want, is them back; because the truth is, no matter what I say & no matter how I act, I am not okay without them. I haven’t been, and I probably never will be.